One must wonder, if those who are labeled crazy, really are. Those who spend their lives in a philosophical argument with themselves. Are they really crazy, or are they just trying to gain a better understanding over themselves and the world around them? It seems the extremely intelligent are the ones who end up being branded crazy, and as a direct result of that label have a harder time in life. My mum once told me that the mentally retarded were how prehaps God wanted all people to be. Another idea that I thought at the time was crazy, but in retrospect, they are honest, sincere, and unconditionally loving. In my 17 years of absolutly endless wisdom, I have yet to figure out why people are so cruel to them.

"We're just two lost souls swimming
in a fishbowl, year after year.
Running over the same old ground,
and how we found the same
old fears. I wish you were here."
-Pink Floyd

I don't understand the world, I don't think I ever will. Some people think they do, but I'm pretty sure they have even less of an understanding than the next man. Sometimes I wonder why I write. Even just the things I write in my notebook during the day. Why do people even keep diaries? Is it so they feel like there's someone else they can talk to?

My mum's friend Andrea believes that people have souls, and that the souls live several lives. My perception is that this is some form of beleif in reincarnation. She believes that young souls are the more careless, sometimes the cruel people, and the old souls are the nicest of people, and when a soul dies, it becomes an angel. For some time I thought she was absolutely insane. I stand in judgement too often, I think. I don't think she's crazy anymore. Quite to the contrary. I think my grandpa was an angel. She also thinks my mum is an angel. I've often wondered.

All the Christians and Catholics tell me that suicide is "the" mortal sin. Now maybe I'm just plain stupid, but I don't know where in the bible it says that. I've asked several people, gotten conflicting stories, but never a straight answer. I've heard "It's there," and "It's something preachers tell people to scare them away from suicide". It's my thought, though, that God in all of his greatness understands that we, as humans, have a certain threshold for pain, at which we will break, one way or the other. But, if it's true what they say about God being able to see the future, then why would he allow things to happen to a person that he knew would cause them to reach that point, if he intended to just send them to hell for it? I've noticed that suicide is a plague among the brilliiant. It's as if to die by one's own hand is seen the final act of intelligence, or prehaps the blade of the final cut is guided by a more powerful hand than one's own.

Some days I remember more about my grandpa, and for some reason the next day it can be gone as quickly as it came. I see now, only in retrospect, how sick he was, and that it was incredibly obvious. I regret every moment that I didn't spend with him. For some reason I'm still angry with my parents for not letting me see him before he died. It's on the days I do things I know are wrong that I feel the farthest from him. According to my gramma, he's just a prayer away, but then again, she talks to stuffed animals. I'm pretty sure she's hallucinating, but I want to believe her. If she's right, he's not that far at all. Maybe through all this I'm the crazy one. It wouldn't surprise me.


"A voice is heard in Ramah, lamentation and bitter weeping.
Rachel is weeping for her children; she refuses to be comforted
for her children, because they are no more."
-Jerimiah 31:15

Sometimes the best thing for everyone involved is the hardest thing to do. Love under it's ideal definitition cannot be mitigated by anything, but rarely does love come in a pretty little box.